Transformation Log

Below is what I am using to track my progress in terms of weight and body measurements. There is another tab that entails what I am eating and doing each day. I will create new posts with updated spreadsheets periodically. #goals #fitnessgoals #fitness #nevergiveup #longwaytogo #anticipation #cleanse #cleansing #seekingsuccess #iwilldothis

Day 1

I just created my intro post, which was really just an opportunity to sort out my thoughts about this whole process. I want to keep track of goals I make to keep myself accountable. For me, it's best to start with smaller goals, especially when I'm starting something new. Here it goes...

Wednesday June 29, 2016

• Begin cleanse 
• Go to the gym
• Cardio at least 20 minutes
• Lower or Upper body machines 
• Go to bed at a decent hour 
• No alcohol
• Drink a lot of water
• No eating after 7 pm

I realized that these goals will be what I shoot for over the next couple days. I have other goals outside of fitness and health, but I won't post them here. 

I will post tomorrow to see how I did with these goals, and consider revising them for the next day.

#goals #fitnessgoals #fitness #nevergiveup #longwaytogo #anticipation #cleanse #cleansing #seekingsuccess #iwilldothis

The Beginning

Today is June 29, 2016, and it is also day 1 of my body transformation.

I am feeling a lot of things right now. Worried, scared, hungry, nervous, insecure, embarrassed, anticipatory. It's difficult for me to feel positive at the moment because I want this so bad, and I'm scared that I won't make it. I have wanted this in the past, but this time - I am ready to do it.

I created this blog for a few different reasons:

• To do something creative in my free time instead of doing something self-destructive
• To focus on my goals 
• To hold myself accountable for my actions over time
• To track my progress over time

There are probably more reasons, but I'll stick with those for now. The rest of this post will explain what I believe is the pathology of my issues. Due to my self-hatred, I will preface by saying: my problems are not large, my past is not bad, and I know anyone reading this will not feel empathy. I don't want anyone to empathize, that is not why I wrote this. It's really just a way to vent and sort out some of my thoughts.

I am currently the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. I haven't weighed myself in 3 months, but the last time I did, I weighed 208 pounds. This is the first time I have ever expressed that to anyone or anywhere. When I think about how much I weigh, I shake my head because I am embarrassed at how far I let myself go. I always struggled with weight and body insecurities, but I have never let it effect me to this extent, I always catch myself before I spiral downward.

Throughout my life, I have had anxiety and depression. I don't know or understand the source of it, but I just remember it always being there. I always felt guilty for having these afflictions because I was never traumatized as a child, and I always had a family that supported me through everything. So why should I feel like this all the time? This question has haunted me as long as I can remember. 

The anxiety and depression manifested itself over time in many different forms, beginning when I was about 10 years old. I distanced myself from people, because I didn't want them to get to know me. I couldn't stand the thought of being rejected in any way, because my self-esteem was already so low that rejection or disapproval completely shattered my soul. I liked making other people happy, whether that meant being supportive, being funny, or being smart. I don't know why I always had this need for approval, but that, too, has also been there for as long as I can remember. 

When I was about 12, I began a cycle of self-destruction through overeating. My mom always told me that it was "emotional eating" but I didn't even realize it because I had suppressed my emotions so much by that time, that I didn't even recognize them. Around that time, I began carving into my skin to relieve whatever emotions I was feeling. But once my mom saw scabs, she confronted me, and that was the most devastating feeling I had to that day. I didn't realize it then, but now I know that I will endure almost any amount of self-inflected pain, as long as I didn't hurt the people around me.

I continued to overeat, and hated exercising throughout my adolescence. I played sports but not enough to burn the massive amount of calories I ate every day. I hated myself for the way I looked, and also for the agony that the thought of exercise brought to my mind. I also began picking my skin on my face, chest, and back. I was so insecure about the way I looked, I literally felt like a walking monster. Many of my friends were in relationships with guys from our school, and I because I wasn't, I attributed it to being a disgusting, monsterly, man-like person. What's funny is that I look back at my prom pictures, and I cry because of how beautiful I truly looked. I just couldn't see it at the time. 

In college, there was a series of horrible events that occurred within close proximity to each other, involving people close to me. In October, my best friend's sister died, and in November, one of my high school friends died. These tragedies put my feet back on the ground and made me realize that life is so fleeting and fragile, there isn't time to be unhappy. The tragedies also provoked a few major anxiety attacks, in which I ruminated over my family members dying suddenly without me being able to say goodbye or express my love for them. To combat these thoughts, I began exercising. A lot. Obsessively. I would run 5-6 times per week, about 1 hour each time. Within 2.5 months, I lost 40 pounds. That was the happiest I ever was in my entire life. 

Since then, I have not only gained the weight back, but also tacked on an additional 25-30 pounds. So that makes my total weight gain roughly 60 pounds over the last 5 years. Since my college graduation, exactly 3 years ago, I have gained 50 pounds. Most of which occurred in the last 2 years. I accomplished this amazing weight gain by doing nothing except drinking booze constantly and eating shit to self-medicate. 

Drinking was a fun social activity in college, but it became a horrible cycle of self-medication afterwards. Especially once I started working in an extremely challenging environment. Especially when I had issues with my boyfriend who moved in with me and cheated on me in the same week. Especially when I didn't know what to do but drink. Especially when I continued to gain weight and didn't care. Especially when I became so uncomfortable with my naked body, that I developed serious intimacy issues, which in turn caused relationship issues. So, I continued to drink. And drink. And eat. And drink. For 2 years straight.

I am so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I feel so stupid that the majority of my problems are self-inflicted. I was so lazy, so negative, had so much self-pity, and made myself a victim. I am tired of wallowing in my innate anxiety and depression. I need to make this change. And I need to do it now. I recognize that I can't just wish my psychological issues away, and I don't really view medication as an option. I need to actively combat these things, while melting away the disgusting consequences of my selfish and lazy self-medication. The only way I can do this is by cleaning up my diet, not drinking, and exercising. 

So can I finally do this for real? The answer is yes. Do I actually want this for real? The answer is fuck yes. Will I do it? I better fucking do it. And that is why I am keeping this blog. I am going to set goals for myself, and hold myself accountable for every action. It is the only way I can fix this.
No body transformation would be complete without before and after pictures. I am mortified to post this to the internet, but I tried to make myself as anonymous as possible.

#goals #fitnessgoals #fitness #nevergiveup #longwaytogo #anticipation #cleanse #cleansing #seekingsuccess #iwilldothis